I’m a movie critic, but I’m going to let you in on a little secret: I really dislike going to the theater. It isn’t because home video viewing has become so technologically advanced that you can get the same quality at home than you can at the theaters (although this does factor in quite a bit). I mostly has to do with the way people act at the theater.
Pretending its their own living room people do whatever they want, with complete disregard for the rest of the movie-going public. Sometimes I wonder if people are completely oblivious to the fact that their acting like complete buffoons. Do they know? Do they like to do it? Or are they just morons? I’m going with the latter, but I’m not entirely sure.
Late Arrivals – Why do people think it’s fine to walk into a movie 10 minutes late? The worst people are groups of teenagers that walk in talking, use the lights from their cell phones to find seats, and then have to play musical chairs in order that they’re all sitting by the girls they want to sit by.
Counting commercials and trailers these people are around 20 minutes late. Why even go to a movie if you’re going to be that late? What’s the point? Without fail, every movie I go to, latecomers arrive and kill whatever scene that was being set from the first five minutes of the movie. Do us all a favor, get to the theater on time or not at all.
Non-stop Talkers – Some people feel it important to give a running narration of what’s happening in the film. I’ve noticed this happen a lot during convoluted thrillers.
Old people are also perpetrators of this. Maybe they just can’t hear how loud they’re talking, but take an senior to Inception, and they’ll mumble the entire time trying to figure out what the heck is going on.
Texters – Perhaps my biggest movie-going pet peeve. I hate it when people feel like they can’t be separated from the world for two hours. If that’s the case, you shouldn’t be in movies in the first place.
Most people still think that it isn’t making any noise, so therefore it’s OK. Wrong! That little screen light is more annoying than any talking could be. Texting in movie theaters should be a felony.
Loud Eaters – In today’s megaplexes popcorn isn’t the only form of food you can get. Nowadays you can go into the theater with a gigantic smothered burrito with a nifty contraption that hooks into your cup holder. Presto! Instant movie dinner. This would be fine if you were at home, but you aren’t. Stuffing that giant burrito or hot dog down your gullet isn’t doing anyone any favors.
While we’re at it, why can’t people eat popcorn civilly? One or two kernels at a time would be nice, but no! Most popcorn purchasers act like their popcorn is going to disappear in 10 minutes and therefore they must shove as much popcorn as possible in their mouths. If there’s ever a time to watch grown adults eat exactly like children, just watch how people eat popcorn.
Chair Kickers – I don’t even get how this is a problem, but it is. Movie theaters are so big, and the rows so massive kicking shouldn’t be an issue. Sadly, every time I go to the theater, someone always ends up kicking me in the back more than twice.
Babes-in-Arms – Dear parent, no matter what you might think, or how many times it’s happened before, your baby isn’t always going to fall asleep in movies. Taking them to daytime screenings of Disney movies is just fine by me. If I go to the same screening I’m expecting small children and babies. But, the 10 pm showing of The Expendables, better not have a baby in it.
Terrible Projectors – Each one of these has been about the customer, but this one is about theaters themselves. Here in Logan, we just had a new theater built not too long ago. Why the theater owners can’t take care of it is beyond me. The place looks decades old already. It’s dirty, unkempt, just an all around unpleasant experience. None of this would really matter if their equipment was nice. Sadly, their projector bulbs are far beyond their life capacity. I just went and saw Inception at my local theater and the edges of the screen flickered a rusty brown for much of the film. The movie was much darker and void of a lot of the detail that makes it such a wonderful film to watch.
Thankfully most theaters are upgrading to digital projectors which look much better, but when a projector hasn’t been taken care of you can tell the quality of the theater you’re in.
Thanks for listening to my vent, do you have anything not on the list that drives you insane when you try to enjoy a movie? Let us know.