Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Vampires Suck

An unfunny, mean-spirited spoof of vampire movies. It's just pure trash. Made for no one I hope. If you like this, there's something very wrong with you.

Rated PG-13 for crude sexual content, comic violence, language and teen partying.

Vampires Suck

I’m going to spoil it all right here, right now. The wittiest aspect of Vampires Suck is that instead of being the Cullens, Edward and his family band of vampires are known as the Sullens. Yup, as far as humor goes, that’s about as good as it gets here.

What’s happened to the spoof? Monty Python and Mel Brooks did them so well. Movies like Airplane and Naked Gun hearken back to a past where spoofs were funny, intelligent and enjoyable. Even the first Scary Movie, from the Wayans brothers, had its moments. Now we’re stuck with co-directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer who brought us Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans. Friedberg and Seltzer wouldn’t know subtle comedy if it bit them in the neck with giant, humorous teeth. Still they’re allowed to make movie after movie, of unfunny dreck. Blech!

If there was ever a movie franchise that deserved a spoof it’s the Twilight series. I had hopes that Vampires Suck would at least get this one right. With Epic Movie and all the other ridiculous spoofs these guys have churned out, they had to focus on tons of different movies. Here they only have to focus on one story and one set of characters. Somehow in my misguided optimism I thought, maybe, just maybe they could string a couple jokes together about Twilight that would cause me to chuckle. Apparently that was too much to ask.

It’s hard to quantify Vampires Suck, because it’s just so bad and it’s not one of those movies that are so bad it’s good. It’s just bad and mean-spirited. After a CGI baby gets crushed by a bowling ball (yes this does happen) we realize that this is no longer a movie, rather it’s some sort of eyeball torture we have been forced to endure at the hands of Hollywood. And you know what? It will make you even angrier when you realize you actually paid to see it.

I just feel bad for everyone involved. Poor newcomer Jenn Proske, who plays Becca, does her very best Kristen Stewart impression, and you know what? She nails it. The lip biting, the ground staring, the distance looking, she’s got it all. She’s far too talented for a film like this though. Scouring her page, this is her only credit, and I hope for her sake that it’s not her last. She’s a decent actress, stuck in a film made by morons.

Maybe good spoof films are dead and buried, who knows. With Friedberg and Seltzer running the show, cornering the spoof market, there’s no way in hell we’re going to get a worthwhile spoof for years to come.

0 out of 5

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