Babel

Reasons why you should never watch Babel

Where to start? Oh, where to start?

Ok. Babel is the most hyped piece of crap I’ve ever seen. I think I’d rather watch Flags of our Fathers on loop for three days straight while I’m home sick with the flu instead of ever having to watch Babel again. Talk about crap.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Why?” And here it is. These notes are for the filmmakers, but I’ll let you read them too.

– You should never name a movie based on the fact that there are four different languages spoke (five if you count sign language). That’s it. There’s no moral paralelling the biblic story. Nothing at all. Just the fact that there are several languages throughout the movie.

– If you want to make a movie about four different stories that connect in the end, then you might want to make them connect in a way that is unique and filling in the end. Babel misses that. The connections and gaps are filled in the end and you couldn’t care less.

– Speaking about not being able to care less, you don’t sympathize with a single main charater in the story. There is one side character that you feel for (the father of the kids who shoot at the bus), but that’s it. You don’t give a damn about anybody.

– Thought there are four individual stories happening and the movie is a bit over two hours, it feels like an eternity! So damn long! Ouch! It hurts! And out of all that time, there are only maybe fifteen minutes about each story that have beefy content. The rest is filler – the type of filler Taco Bell puts into it’s mean tacos. You know what I mean. You bite down into one of your tacos and feels something rubbery the size of a pebble. That kinda filler. Only this filler doesn’t fulfill your appetite or anything like it.

– If Brad Pitt or Cate Blanchett get nominated for anything then I’m going to write the academy and ask them if we can start nominating voice actors and commercial actors for big awards too. Because that’s all those two do. Pitt’s character had room to move, but didn’t. And Blanchett just layed there half dazed or rolling around in agony. I can do that. Just make me watch this movie again.

– If you’re going to have a romantic moment where a troubled couple resolves their problems, don’t do it while the female is peeing into a frying pan. We don’t want to see it. The ladies who love Pitt don’t even want to see it. It’s not romantic.

– If you’re going to introduce little stories within the stories, then you’d better conclude. Don’t have Pitt say to Blanchett, “I’ll never hurt you,” referring to something in the past, but never telling what this important scene has to do with anything. And definately do not use that in the opeing scene for certain characters. Don’t do it again. You did it twice in Babel.

– Gael Garcia Bernal is great. Don’t waste him with lame small unimportant roles.

– If you’re going to try to make this huge movie that says somethings, then say it! If the only fiber of a moral that can be picked up is, “We all make bad decisions, but we need to face the consequences of them all,” then you’ve got to deal with the consequences of making a crappy movie. Deal with it.

Someone kill me now. Writing this is making me relive the movie. Quickly, here’s what else I hated in specific: repetitively naked asian girls. deaf asain hootie mamas. moroccans with horrible teeth. incestuous moroccan families. teenage masturbation. guns in the hands of minors. nannys. dentists. cops. and buses.

Don’t do it. Do not see Babel. It isn’t worth your time, money or thought.

Watch this preview to see how could the movie should’ve been.