Warner Bros. screened Winter’s Tale the same night that Universal screened Endless Love. Although Endless Love – which looks like a CW-made movie – has a much better-looking cast, I opted for Winter’s Tale because it appeared to carry whimsical potential. Based on the word from friends who attended Endless Love that night, it was a lose-lose scenario. There was no correct answer to the trick question “Which movie will be better?” Winter’s Tale is just as awful as Endless Love appears to be.
Winter’s Tale is a jumbled mess – a foundation-less, manipulative and contrived story of supposedly timeless love. There are more unanswered questions in its swiss-cheese plot than actual pieces of factual content. Here’s what we know:
- Russell Crowe plays a demon.
- Colin Farrell used to be a burglar for Crowe, but has since quit.
- Crowe wants to kill Farrell.
- Farrell doesn’t know that Crowe is an immortal agent of the devil.
- That unexplainably magical white horse from The Lone Ranger guides Farrell to fate (a dying British girl).
- Each person in life is capable of bringing about one predetermined miracle.
- Demons cannot leave their assigned turf.
- Will Smith is the devil.
- There’s only one angel in New York City – and he’s corrupt.
- Colin Farrell is so good at sex that his partners die afterward.
What we never find out is:
- Why Crowe is hell-bent on killing Farrell.
- Why Farrell has decided to quit thieving.
- How nice-guy Farrell started working for a demon in the first place.
- Why a 23-year-old nice proper dying girl from Downton Abbey would fall for a 38-year-old thief.
- When Will Smith decided to let his career go down the toilet.
- How woman can fall into desperate love after once glance at a bad guy with an accent.
- How it’s possible to kill someone by stabbing the twice in the neck with a completely unsharp object.
- Why Farrell’s predetermined miracle is set to happen way outside of his lifetime.
- Why the story carries the title “Winter’s Tale” and not “Many Winters’ Tale.”
- How a dead girl can still make her miracle happen – which is important because, left unanswered, this question completely defeats the purpose of the entire movie.
- How a studio in this day and age can still pump out a movie with horrible simplistic visual effects.
- Why I’m still putting thought into this dreadfully pathetic movie.
Whatever you do, don’t ever waste your time with Winter’s Tale. With the quality of a Twilight movie, it’s the epitome of an amatuer love story.
(Photo credit: Warner Bros.)