Friday, February 14, 2014

Winter's Tale

A magical piece of flying horse crap. Made for fans of sappy, stooopid and hole-filled "romance" stories.

Rated PG-13 for violence and some sensuality.

Winter's Tale

Warner Bros. screened Winter’s Tale the same night that Universal screened Endless Love. Although Endless Love – which looks like a CW-made movie – has a much better-looking cast, I opted for Winter’s Tale because it appeared to carry whimsical potential. Based on the word from friends who attended Endless Love that night, it was a lose-lose scenario. There was no correct answer to the trick question “Which movie will be better?Winter’s Tale is just as awful as Endless Love appears to be.

Winter’s Tale is a jumbled mess – a foundation-less, manipulative and contrived story of supposedly timeless love. There are more unanswered questions in its swiss-cheese plot than actual pieces of factual content. Here’s what we know:

  • Russell Crowe plays a demon.
  • Colin Farrell used to be a burglar for Crowe, but has since quit.
  • Crowe wants to kill Farrell.
  • Farrell doesn’t know that Crowe is an immortal agent of the devil.
  • That unexplainably magical white horse from The Lone Ranger guides Farrell to fate (a dying British girl).
  • Each person in life is capable of bringing about one predetermined miracle.
  • Demons cannot leave their assigned turf.
  • Will Smith is the devil.
  • There’s only one angel in New York City – and he’s corrupt.
  • Colin Farrell is so good at sex that his partners die afterward.

What we never find out is:

  • Why Crowe is hell-bent on killing Farrell.
  • Why Farrell has decided to quit thieving.
  • How nice-guy Farrell started working for a demon in the first place.
  • Why a 23-year-old nice proper dying girl from Downton Abbey would fall for a 38-year-old thief.
  • When Will Smith decided to let his career go down the toilet.
  • How woman can fall into desperate love after once glance at a bad guy with an accent.
  • How it’s possible to kill someone by stabbing the twice in the neck with a completely unsharp object.
  • Why Farrell’s predetermined miracle is set to happen way outside of his lifetime.
  • Why the story carries the title “Winter’s Tale” and not “Many Winters’ Tale.”
  • How a dead girl can still make her miracle happen – which is important because, left unanswered, this question completely defeats the purpose of the entire movie.
  • How a studio in this day and age can still pump out a movie with horrible simplistic visual effects.
  • Why I’m still putting thought into this dreadfully pathetic movie.

Whatever you do, don’t ever waste your time with Winter’s Tale. With the quality of a Twilight movie, it’s the epitome of an amatuer love story.

(Photo credit: Warner Bros.)

1 out of 5

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