Halloween II
– Half of a star (out of four)
– Rated R for strong brutal violence throughout, terror, disturbing graphic images, language and some crude sexual content and nudity.
– Who’s going to like it: fans of Rob Zombie and fans of his last Halloween movie – nobody else.
H2-no. Wasn’t there already a Halloween II?
Many people can’t comprehend how others find enjoyment in horror movies. Being a fan of the genre, allow me to explain. Horror movies are the most fake things on Earth. Everything is exactly the opposite of reality, and when you see it brought to life, it’s funny. Characters hear a disturbing noise and move closer to investigate instead of running in the opposite direction. People don’t trip that often in real life. And they always seem to die in the most unrealistic and disgusting manners – which is fun. Often times there’s a great guessing game of “who done it.” You’ll jump a few times – maybe let out a yelp – as well as laugh (typically due to bad dialogue, gross death sequences and the unexpected). They’re all around fun! The bigger the group you go with, the more fun you’ll have. They make for great man-dates. It takes a lot to make a horror movie not worth watching in my book – and the new Halloween II is definitely not worth watching.
Everything I mentioned above that makes horror movies entertaining is absent in Halloween II (also known as H2). Director Rob Zombie, from the band White Zombie, has no business making films. His previous movies, House of 1000 Corpses, The Devil’s Rejects and the 2007 remake of John Carpenter’s Halloween, are all insufferable. For the fourth time, Zombie has made a film that will make the “Movies I’ll Never Watch Again” list.
H2 picks up right where Halloween left off. Sort of. Massive mass murderer Michael Myers was just shot and (supposedly) killed by the girl he’s been trying to kill, Laurie Strode (Scout Taylor-Compton, Obsessed). En route to the morgue, Michael escapes and begins killing his way to Laurie again, finally getting to her on Halloween one year later – the day she learns that she’s really Angel Myers, Michael’s baby sister. This plot device might have been a great reveal, but we’ve known that since the last movie.
Zombie’s H2 lacks creativity. Any time a situation has grown to the point where you ask yourself, “How’s Laurie going to get out of this one?” it ends up being a dream sequence. There are at least three big sequences in H2 that end up being dreams. It’s completely void of any entertainment value. The things that horror movie fans look forward to never show up. The characters are underdeveloped and boring. Every one of Myers’ kills is the same – repeated stabbings with a foot-long knife, over and over again, until the person is well-dead. There is no hiding or running from Michael Myers because no matter what you do (shooting him in the head obviously doesn’t kill him) or where you go (you can go to a friend’s new house and he’ll somehow find you there), he’s somehow right behind you (although we never see him run or move quickly). H2 never for a second creates a feeling of intensity. You’re just a spectator watching a boring and uneventful bloodbath-of-a-story unfold.
Although I haven’t seen it yet, I’m putting my money on The Final Destination 3-D being a better horror moviegoing experience this weekend (check back tomorrow for my review). At least you know you’re going to see creative deaths through several different mediums – all in the third dimension! There is only one good thing that comes out of Halloween II: ‘Weird Al’ Yankovic has a small cameo where he asks if the killer is “Austin Powers‘ Mike Myers.” It’s nice to finally have a character acknowledge the coinceidental connection.
Photo credit: The Weinstein Company
